I’ll Have Some Sanity on the Rocks

Being parents to four children is often like being the head of an insane asylum. Unfortunately, there are times where we are not the master of the domain and the children (i.e. the lunatics) actually run the asylum. It is times like this when my wife and I have two choices: ship the kids to the grandparents house, or have a date night. My wife and I often draft a precarious game plan where we aim to avoid any uncivilized being under the age of 15. Sometimes the gameplan works, sometimes it doesn’t. At the point we put our gameplan into action, all other human existence becomes our enemy and our enemy usually doesn’t care whether we are child-less or not. Therefore, if it were up to me, I would devise the following socially acceptable childproof rules:

1. Restaurants – child bearing parents should avoid eating at establishments where the average entree is greater than $20. These restaurants usually exemplify higher-end eateries attended by child-less parents, therefore, stick with the Chucky-Cheese’s, Chili’s or Applebees of the world. At the very least, please don’t sit in the lounge.
2. Movies rated PG-13 and above – there’s nothing worse than going to a movie that is rated outside of the suitability of children, only to have children sit behind you kicking your seat and yucking it up the whole time. Also, the reason adults go to the late shows is because the children should be IN BED!
3. Sporting events – there’s nothing I hate more than sitting at a sporting event and the guy sitting next to me has a screaming infant or is elblowing me because he is fighting to give his kid a bottle. Sure it looks cute on television, but I assure when the smell of the childs diaper engulfs the three rows around him, it isn’t so pleasant.
4. Theaters – seriously is there anything worse than a kid sitting next to you during Phantom of the Opera while he is playing his Nintendo DS and can’t sit still for two hours?
5. Concerts – I’m not talking about Justin Bieber or Selena Gomez here, I am referring to adult concerts like Aerosmith, Bon Jovi, etc. Chances are the kid isn’t old enough to know the band or even listen to the music. So rather than the kid getting up every five minutes to go “potty”, please find a babysitter or give the tickets away.

I think if we all follow these few simple rules, we as parents will acutally be able to enjoy our 2 hour respite from parenting and feel like normal human beings who can actually communicate with other adults.