Today, October 28, 2012, I am officially announcing my candidacy for President of the United States. Sure, I know it’s a little late in the process, but after watching these buffoons for the past two months, neither one of them is capable of doing the job. You won’t see my name on any ballot, unfortunately, but doesn’t the write-in system still exist? Anyway, I’m not perfect, so any person who wants to conspire against me, I’m laying it all on the line now. First, I’ve smoked pot, and you know what? It was pretty friggin’ good too. I drank underage, and yes, I did have a fake ID. It was one of the best fake ID’s because the dude looked just like me. I’ve stolen. Yeah I know, but didn’t every kid nab a candy bar or pack of baseball cards at some point? Anyway, my point is that I’m not perfect, and I don’t claim to be, but if I’m good enough to be a role model for my own children then I deserve at least a chance to be a role model for others. My platform will be based on common sense and fairness. If you want details about my plans, ask my advisors because they will probably be smarter than me. I’ll come up with the ideas and they will develop the strategy. The important things for you to know are where I stand on the issues.
- I am pro-choice. Why? Because I’m a guy and I have absolutely no authority to tell a woman what to do with her body. I can’t possibly understand everyone’s particular circumstances. So, what I am going to do is treat you like an adult and let you make the decision. This is why I love the freedom of choice, and, contrary to the two candidates, it supports my platform of common sense.
- I want everyone to be covered by health insurance in some form or fashion. I want tighter regulation on the medical industry and the doctors who provide services. I want cost standards set for what medical providers can charge for their services. This will reduce costs for medical care and in turn reduce costs to employers and employees. Of course, my advisors will draft the details but you get the basic premise.
- I want tight control to be placed on the energy industry. Paying $4 for a gallon of gas is ludicrous. A $400 heating bill to keep your home at room temperature during the winter is preposterous. We need to regulate the oil companies so that their large profits and executive compensation are reduced and the money is paid back to the users of their products.
- I want to eliminate tax loopholes for the wealthy so that millionaires aren’t paying taxes at the same rate as the middle and lower classes. Right Mitt? I would suggest altering the Alternative Minimum Tax in order to provide a more equitable system of taxation so that the wealthy are paying the same proportion of tax as the other classes. We need to increase the corporate tax rate, while at the same time providing more substantial credits for job creation and research and development.
- My foreign policy would include limiting the number of armed forces overseas so that our presence in foreign countries is merely a presence, not an implication that we want to be that nations armed service. Nor that our presence is there to fight. Unfortunately, it wouldn’t make sense to eliminate our presence all together
These are the basics, and they are all based on common sense. As a registered independent, I don’t care what either party wants as long as the policy benefits. If an idea makes sense and it’s beneficial to all, then it doesn’t matter what party you belong to, as long as we ultimately grow as a country.
The Penalty Box 